The Truth of Spirits by Carmel Baird

Author:Carmel Baird
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hay House
Published: 2016-01-22T00:00:00+00:00

Breaking Out of the Cycle

I cried for days. I couldn’t function. I felt empty and lost, and I was back to feeling worthless. I would never be enough, would I? And then I had a new mantra to add to my litany: “I’m worthless.” But it didn’t replace “I’m crazy,” it just lived with it. “Worthless and crazy”: it was quite the combination. With it came a new and vicious hate for Paul that grew within me from that day on and slowly engulfed my entire being.

Panic set in again with a vengeance, and I reached once more for the Ativan, throwing it under my tongue, begging for the grayness to take over. I called Social Services, and I told them I was leaving Paul. I also told them I was having a mental breakdown. I didn’t say it out of spite. I said it because it was true. All I could feel was pain and anger.

The children were returned to their families. The seven siblings went back to their mother, to a home where she would be closely supervised for many months to come and where she likely received the same parent training I had. I was relieved to see that she did change. She broke away from her abusive relationship and began to put her children first. It’s a shame we couldn’t have been closer, since in truth, she and I had actually gone through very similar problems. Our abusers had even been brothers to each other. But Paul’s inability to remain faithful had placed an impossible block between us.

I look back on all that pain now with gratitude, but only because I know that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps my heart had to be broken so that those children could learn to experience forgiveness and love for their own mother. Perhaps this situation gave this woman a chance to prove that she had changed with her children in her care again. And perhaps, all of this had to happen for me and for my kids. Paul was never going to be the father they needed, and he would never be the husband I yearned for. He would always bring us chaos, and he would teach the kids to always want the tapping, just like me.

That woman saved us that day, and she doesn’t even know it. It took me a very long time to realize this, but it gives me peace to think about it now.

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